“Two things happened when I turned 12, my Father who used to beat the hell out of us left home and the other thing that happened is I started using drugs… One of my friends said ‘Here try this it will make you feel better’, and it did.
When I turned 13, my Mom found a new partner who lived at home with us. He raped me regularly and abused my younger sisters as well. I was only 13.
He also use to beat Mom up and it was hell on earth. For about a year I suffered through it but when I was fourteen I couldn’t take it anymore, so I said to Mom ‘You have to get rid of this guy, either he goes or I go.’ Mom chose him and I landed on the streets.
Initially I stayed with friends, and then slept with guys to keep a roof over my head.
The cuts all up my arm are from slashing up. I slash myself to turn emotional pain into controllable physical pain. It’s not usually to kill myself, just to help cope with the pain of the past.
I don’t do it much, but if I’m having a shocker week I might just sit there and slash till I reach one hundred cuts.
If the only thing that happens to you in your life is you just keep getting hurt, you end up saying no this isn’t going to happen to me, I’m not going to let myself get hurt anymore, I can’t handle the reality of life I can’t handle any of it why not end it all then I know that I don’t have to deal with any of it.
The last time I tried to kill myself I only had a syringe to slash up with so I was hacking at myself trying to get myself bleeding properly. Then I sniffed paint until I blacked out.
I wanted to bleed to death but it didn’t work because someone found me lying in the big ditch and called an ambulance.
You just give up, that’s it, it’s the end. As soon as you get to that stage where you don’t care if you live or die you end up so upset, so depressed, so hurt with everything that you just cant handle even the day in front of you.
In the end it’s a matter of well if I get through the day then great, if I don’t doesn’t matter, no big deal. It’s not like anyone’s going to miss whether I’m here or not.
To have the confidence to actually do something about where you are is especially hard because you have to build up that confidence.
By the end of the time you come on the streets you’ve lost all confidence in yourself and you think I cant do it even if I try I’m not going to be able to do it.
Just to know that someone cares is the main thing I guess. Most of the people on the street don’t have anyone. We end up with no one when we come out here and you think that no one cares no one worries about you and no ones willing to listen to what goes on in your life… what problems you have.
Then I went to the Gospel Mission. They are willing to give up their time to talk to you and worry about you personally and take the time out to listen to what you have to say, it’s great.
That’s what people need is someone to actually be there and to talk with, to listen, to care, someone to trust.
Knowing that there is someone there to care even if they aren’t there 24 / 7. When I go there you really know it’s someone who accepts you the way you are and they are ready to listen.
They care about me and they miss me if I don’t turn up and that really makes me feel really special, well at least to someone.”
♥ If you have a caring heart and a willing ear and want to help us out, we’d love to talk to you. We have lay counseling positions open or you can come down and sit in the lunch room and get to know some of the people who come in.
Drop by the Silver City Gospel Mission at 111 S. Texas St behind Jalisco’s Restaurant between 8:30 am and 1:30 pm or give Randy a call at 388-5071 if you are interested in volunteering.
Tell us what you think! Please click below to recommend, share and leave a comment on this page